I’ve written a fairy tale for you all. 🙂
Once upon a time, an evil wizard wanted to enslave the world.
He really didn’t have any good reason to enslave people, except he was a very lazy evil wizard and didn’t want to do stuff for himself. Also, he liked shiny things, and nice things, and liked to be comfortable.
Other evil wizards were trying to enslave the world, too, but they only managed to enslave bits of it. A small kingdom here, a large village there, but not the entire world. Worse, none of the wizards could hold onto their slaves for very long. They’d keep escaping, or would throw the wizards out of towers. And this made all the evil wizards sad, because though they were powerful, a pitchfork through the stomach really ruined their day.
This evil wizard had a name, but he cast a spell of forgetting and so I don’t remember it. Do you…
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Rhyd Wildermuth 
But in fairy tales, isn’t there supposed to be a “happily ever after”? Or, as one of the psychologists says, “myths and fairy tales are about the struggle between Eros and Thanatos; in myths, Thanatos wins, and in fairy tales, Eros does.”
Can’t all the evil wizards just realize they’re all fairies, and that the whole TP thing is just an excuse to get their asses played with, and live happily ever after being nice and going away to stick their expensive wands in each other’s holes?
Yeah, I know…no, we can’t have that. But it’s sometimes amusing to imagine that happening to the Koch brothers…I mean, come on: their name is practically “cock” as it is, and if they’d only frack each other, the world would be a better place, eh? 😉
If there’s one thing Disney has taught us in recent years its that if the princess wants their happy ending, they gotta take or make their ahppy ending for themselves. I shotgun Frozen’s dress and Brave’s bow…
Some of those giant snow giant things mightn’t go astray either…